God Knew What I Needed

Only God knew how much I would have needed to get out last night. It was a date we had planned for three months. Andy bought me tickets to see Grease at Shea's Performing Arts Center for Christmas, something I have looked forward to with each passing day. It felt like such a long time off. But then, when the time came, I wasn't sure that I wanted to go at all.

It's been a really hard week and a half. Jack and Ben have had RSV and Jack also had an ear infection. It was horrible. Congestion, coughing, runny noses, wheezing, diarrhea, vomitting and loss of appetite were just some of the highlights. They were uncomfortable and just wanted to be comforted by mommy and mommy alone. They'd wake up coughing in the middle of the night and throw up everything they consumed. I was sleeping with them on the couch and washing 5-7 loads of laundry a day. I was tired. Exhausted. Run down. Emotionally drained. Completely spent. Andy was a huge help, even coming home from work early most days to lend a hand. But I was still frustrated. When would this end?

The boys would seem to get better, and then get worse again. Yesterday, I was so frustrated by their indecisiveness that I wanted to lock myself in the bedroom and just drift off to sleep. I was easily discouraged. But I did what every other mom would: I kept on going.

Andy came home and tried to help, but my nerves were so shot from the day that I was refusing all assistance. I was short with him and I could tell he felt helpless. When my parents arrived, I wasn't sure I was in the condition that my husband even wanted to take me on a date anymore. Thankfully, Andy held my hand as we walked to the car and after we got our seatbelts on, he gently asked if I was alright.

That's when I lost it.

I cried in the car and after the hostess seated us at the table. I cried when our food came and as we picked at our salads. I was a mess. Andy tried to be understanding, even when I started accusing him of little petty things that didn't have to do with anything. It was almost as if I wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting. As much as I knew we were a team - we've always been a team - I felt like I was doing this alone. He's at work. I'm with the boys. I have to juggle a time to use the bathroom or go to the refrigerator for some water. I have to share all of my meals with two ten-month-olds, if I get to eat at all. I never get to run out for some quick errands or grab a few groceries without a 20-step plan.

How is that a partnership? I thought, when I'm the one doing all the work?

It was embarrassing how much of my focus had turned onto me.

Amazing, isn't it, how the devil knows just where we're vulnerable?

He HATES marriage and will do everything in his power to destroy it. After all, if he attacks the marriage, the partnership is ruined, communication has stopped, kids are receiving mixed messages, they're unhappy, parents are fighting... and he's won.

How blessed I am to have such an understanding husband that is such a great communicator. We took a few minutes to get everything out there, careful not to blame the other person, but starting our sentences with "It makes me feel ______ when you ______" and so on. It sounds silly, but it sure makes a difference in hearing something negative when you don't feel like he's attacking you! Some of the things were difficult to hear, but I knew he needed to be heard, too. Once it was all out there, we apologized. Then, we made a plan.

As a team. We came up with a plan of how we'd like to get the boys back on a schedule and how we needed to take more time to talk with eachother about how we're feeling before it gets to the point of an explosion. I felt ashamed for thinking he wasn't doing as much as I was, realizing how hard he works for our family and how helpless he feels when he can't be here to assist me during the day. My heart was softened to realize just how much help my husband - my best friend, my greatest ally - gives me on a daily basis. I felt horrible for thinking that he was somehow getting out of it easier than I was.

Thank God tough times don't last forever.

We got to Shea's and felt like different people. We were laughing, enjoying the music and having a wonderful time being together. At one point, we laughed and looked at eachother because of something they said onstage. I turned back to the performance, but could still feel his eyes watching me. I saw his eyes turn to a gentle glaze. He smiled and put his hand on mine. I exhaled, put mine on top of his, and smiled back. We were back.

Thank God for my friend. Thank God for this date. Thank God for a renewed perspective. Thank God for the trials that remind us how blessed we are.

Thank God for knowing exactly what I would need, more than three months in advance.