Hidden Resentment

Andy and I watched a portion of a show called "Home Rules" on HGTV last night. I had never seen it before and it peaked my curiosity. Life Coach Fran Harris interviews a family in trouble, gives them advice, and if they take it, they get a home makeover. Interesting. (If only it were that easy, huh?)

This girl visited Erin and Corey, a multiracial couple with two beautiful little girls. Their house wasn't logically laid out, everything was a mess, and the couple was constantly bickering about how they spend their time. To make it a little more stressful, her parents are living in their basement so they can watch the girls while both parents work full-time.

Erin's biggest problem was the fact that Corey spends much of his time playing games on the computer. Corey said Erin's parents are around too much, making him feel like a visitor in his own home. Fingers were pointed in different directions and always ended with the mom in tears. It all got very complicated in just the few minutes we tuned in. But here's what the life coach discovered. Corey was spending a crazy amount of time on the computer. EIGHT HOURS A DAY, in fact! He'd get on about 8pm (after the girls went to bed) and play until 3am, sleep for three hours and then get up for work! Wow. But before you jump on Corey's bad habit, listen to this: their three-year-old daughter had been sleeping with them ever since she was born! Yeah, I don't think there's much more room in that bed for the daddy.

It was late, so we turned the show off before I got to see the end. But the situation feels pretty predictable to me.

Are you ready for my (very unprofessional) opinion? Well, here it is!

Corey found a way to disconnect himself from his family because he wasn't getting what he needed: time alone with his wife. Erin, in turn, embraced her daughter's company and didn't fight it because at least she wasn't alone! Corey gradually let his time playing increase rather than fighting over a space in bed. Erin grew frustrated that he was emotionally distant from the family rather than giving him reasons (wink, wink) to join her in the evening. They let their resentment build up until it had reached an unhealthy level, but no one knew how to handle it. It's all a slippery slope. Funny, how much easier these things are to see when you're not the one in the middle of it!

Here's my point. When the husband doesn't get what he needs, the wife doesn't get what she needs, and everyone loses.

It starts with us, girls! It all starts with us.

I'm sure the life coach used some amazing technique (or just sheer will) to get the daughter to enjoy sleeping in her own bed, and convinced Corey into spending less time on the computer. I would have also encouraged Erin to make life more interesting and convince her husband that she's more worth his attention. When he feels respected - with his needs, his space, and his time - he can then give Erin the love that she needs. Husbands need to be respected; wives need to be loved.

Amazing, how these truths show themselves in so many different ways. Who said television was all bad? :)