Messing with their Minds

Alright, alright. Don't worry. I'm not reeeeeally messing with my kids' minds. But I am learning to understand them (and react to their needs) a little better. And I'm learning it's all in my approach.

One of the most difficult parts of assisting two toddlers to reach their own level of independence is their HUGE desire to do it themselves, their inability to do what their brain dictates and their low verbal skills. Even if it's something as little as taking the cap off of a marker. They grunt, squeal and pull with all of their might before they explode in frustration. They demand to be walk on their own, even as you're heading into busy traffic without a stroller. They scream at a restaurant until you give in, letting them sit in your lap, eat off your plate and take ice cubes out of your water. They respond "no" to any question, even if it means they change their mind two seconds later and follow with a quiet, "yes." They will pull hair, claw at their brother's face, and wrestle them to the ground if they do not hand over the toy they wanted to play with in a timely fashion. They hit their fork against the table, their toy hammer on the wall and their legs on the crib; they seem to get a thrill over hearing themselves make an excessive amount of noise.

In writing some of these things down, I'm starting to feel a little self-conscious. I'm not the only one that's experiencing these things, am I?

Anyway, I'm sure you get the picture. I'm dealing with two strong-willed, independent and completely NORMAL little men! I try and remind myself of that fact (especially the normal part) when I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind. These are all very normal activities for a toddler. Healthy, in fact. It's only bad when time goes by and we continue to allow these immature behaviors to continue. As the parent, it's MY job to teach them how to appropriatly respond to frustration and how to ask for help. I want them to have a certain amount of independence, to continue to explore their abilities and find things they're good at.

So here are a few things that seem to be working in my house.

I am all about choices. They want to make the call? I give them the choice. But what they might not understand is that ultimately, Mommy Wins. A classic fight in our house is wanting to walk on their own. So if we're going out in traffic, for a walk down the road, or into a store, I give them a choice. "Would you like mommy to hold you, or do you want to hold my hand?" Either way, the boys are safe. They get what they want, but it has to be done my way. I just have to be sure I'm willing to hold up my side of the bargain for any scenario they might choose! Some common choices in our house... "Would you like to drink milk or juice? Would you like to hold mommy's or daddy's hand? Would you like to play with the tools or read a book?" We are communicating respect and trust when we let them make their own decisions. We are making them feel like they have control over something.

Another way I try and get inside their heads is to tell them ahead of time what I expect. The other day I was taking them to the zoo in the wagon and did not feel like carrying them both... by myself... and the wagon... throughout the zoo. So I told them when we first got there, "You can ride inside the wagon today. Mommy will not hold you." Each of them tried to get me to hold them one time, but I simply reminded them of our pact. "No, mommy will not hold you today. You can either walk or ride in the wagon." Worked like a charm.

Here's something else I remember reading a few months ago, tried it, loved it and now I can't remember the source. As a former educator, not being able to acknowledge the source makes me feel horribly guilty. Try not to discourage the bad behavior. Rather, we should encourage the positive behavior. "No! Don't hit your brother!" or "Don't jump on the couch!" are always our first thoughts. But they tell us that all toddlers hear is "HIT!"  or "JUMP!" They basically tune everything else out. Instead, we should remind them what they should do. "No, we have to be gentle with our brother." I also remind them what we use different utensils for. If they hit the table with the fork, I might say, "Forks are for eating." If they are standing up on the chair, I'll say, "Chairs are for sitting." If they start to pour their cup of milk onto the table, I'll say, "Milk is for drinking." You get the idea. My boys really do respond when they understand what I'm trying to communicate. Most of the time anyway.

Another tactic I've found helpful with this age is to use their desires to help motivate. In my house, our boys clean up their toys. Not everything, all the time. But if we take out a "set" of something... the trucks, the tools, the markers, the blocks... they know that they are responsible to put it all back before we take out another set of toys. They've been doing this since they were about a year old (on a much smaller scale,) and they still surprise me by how much they really can do. They're usually very good about cleaning up... ONLY if I manage it correctly. I don't make them clean up the toys when it looks like they're done playing with it. Instead, I wait until they want to take out another set of toys. Or if they want a drink. Or if they want to go outside. "Ok," I'll tell them, "we can go outside after you clean up your trucks." It helps when they're working toward something. With this, I've had to be very good about acting on my promise immediately or else it loses its charm. My kids would get frustrated if I said, "Thank you for cleaning up the trucks. Now you have to clean up your blocks as well before we can go outside." Just one at a time. At least for this age.

Another challenge in my house is the fact that my boys are not big talkers. In order to help encourage them to talk, I've learned that I have to be very patient. It can be just as frustrating for mommy as it is for them when I cannot understand what they are trying to say. But we're all learning. If Jack is obviously struggling with taking off the marker cap, I try and intervene before he enters the Blowing his Gasket stage. "Can Mommy help you? Can I help you open the marker?" Sometimes, they'd rather continue to struggle. And many times, it comes off a moment later. But then there are times when they quickly concede, grateful for the help. I'd like them to say, "Help" more quickly, saving all of us a lot of frustration. I'm trying to assist them in knowing when it's appropriate to use different words. It's been fun to watch their vocabulary grow, even in the past few days!

My kids like to be respected. I mean, who doesn't? But I see sooo much of myself in my kids when it comes to being independent. They don't like being told what to do. Gosh, wonder where they got that from? And they seem to appreciate when I offer them a little more time for them to try and do it on their own. Again, they're definitely my kids! Identifying the fact that these are characteristics that will serve them very well someday, motivates me to help me teach them to channel these things as strengths.

As you can tell from my ramblings, we are a work in progress. I'm still very green when it comes to assisting my boys into toddlerhood. It can be extremely difficult, frustrating and just plain exhausting. There are times when no creative tactic works and it's time to force them into submission... or ignore the act... or just let it slide. I'm still learning when each of those things might be appropriate. It's a trial and error thing at times. It can be rough, but I keep reminding myself that this will not last forever.

Someday, they'll be able to cross the road by themselves, ask for help when they need it and carry on a conversation without becoming distracted by the dog barking in the background. Someday, this will just be a distant memory.

But today, this is my reality. This is my world. And I couldn't imagine a more challenging and fulfilling and exhausting and rewarding place to be.