Serenity NOW

I am not a fan of change. But with two toddlers, change is the only thing in my life that remains constant.

The last few days have been especially challenging for this mommy. I feel like I just......... can't......... keep........ up with these guys!

They learned how to open the sliding door to our room... so now I have to lock it. They started opening the bathroom cupboards... so I had to relocate all of my cleaning supplies. They started using props to reach the car keys on the hook... so I had to move them to the upper cabinet. They started opening the freezer door... so I had to empty it out and move 'kid friendly' things to the front. They started grabbing things from the refrigerator door... so I had to move the glass bottles to the top and the plastic to the bottom. I keep the dining room chairs in our bedroom during the day, towels draped over the doors to keep them from pinching their fingers and spoons on the outside of the utensil drawer.

Do you get the idea?

I'm not super protective. I like my boys to explore and manipulate things. But it's got to be safe. I try to keep an eye on them, but they are two individuals who don't always do the same thing at the same time! And not only are these boys pushing the safety limit, they're pushing my sanity limit! I am exhausted. I'm all about making a safe environment for my kids to safely play and discover. But c'mon, this is just NUTS!

And go ahead. Tell me that I shouldn't change my life around just for my kids. That I shouldn't use outlet covers or hide my plants because they need to know what's okay and what's not when they go out into the real world. Go ahead. Do it. I dare you.

This morning they started climbing the organizer in their bedroom, which houses all of the bins, bags and toys. We've been meaning to secure it to the wall, but since this is Andy's busy season with the rentals, I haven't bothered him with it. I had been scared they'd climb it, it would get top heavy and then fall down. I don't even want to think about what would come of that. But this morning, Jack propped himself up on a box of diapers and climbed to the third shelf. I removed the box and so he climbed up again without it. The more I tried to discourage it, the more it attracted them. Both of them. The moment I pull one down, the other's already half way up again. I felt like a hair away from a breakdown. I hurried them out of the room, carrying one in each arm (kicking and screaming) and locked both doors, determined to get rid of that organizer once Andy got home.

They're.......... driving............ me................. crazy.

At one point, I turned away and heard them throwing bags of frozen vegetables and small ice packs onto the floor. They had gotten into the freezer again. I just collapsed on the couch. Put my head back and pretended like I was going to take a nap. That was my limit. I couldn't do it. I thought, fine. Go ahead. Pull everything out of there and make an insane amount of work for me. I don't care. I really don't.

And I started crying.

My boys haven't brought me to tears (sad ones, I mean) in quite a while. There were points in the first year when I was home-bound, pumping every three hours and listening to two babies scream that I thought I was a hair away from the looney bin. Loss of sleep will do that to you. But while the increased independence has made life easier in many ways (including a fantastic sleeping schedule and being able to take more trips,) in other ways, it has made it sooooo much more difficult.

I allowed myself to cry out of self pity for a few moments. I felt like I had reached my limit. There was nothing more I could do. My boys had finally gotten the best of me. Defeated me. And I just didn't have the energy to fight it. You win, boys. Play all you want, do what you'd like, and I'll just pick up the pieces, kiss the wounds and ice the bruises when you're done.

I don't know that this story has a happy ending just yet, but the boys did go down for a nap. They're quietly sleeping in their cribs now, like little innocent cherubs. And I couldn't be more grateful.

What makes motherhood so incredibly challenging? It's the ups and downs. The tugging of the leg, the pulling of the arm, the constant need for attention. The pushing of the limits, the idea of having to change your world in order to keep your sanity. It's not for wimps, that's for sure. Even my toughest day in the classroom doesn't match an average day working at home. There are no mandatory thirty-minute lunch breaks. No private bathroom stops. No free working periods. It's constant, mundane, challenging, overwhelming and just plain exhausting.

So I'd like to raise a glass to all of the hard-working stay-at-home moms out there. Especially since I could really use a stiff drink about now. Too bad I don't drink. Perhaps I should. Moms, you are doing a good thing. Don't give up. The morning always comes, even after the darkest of days.

Serenity NOW!