Baby Steps

I remember being back in the classroom. I would see my sixth-graders spill something (in the classroom or in the lunch room.) With growing bodies and hormones they don't know what to do with, they would just freeze. They'd panic and then move five feet backward. They didn't do a THING. Someone else would see their situation, run to their rescue and clean up the spill. Perhaps they were embarassed - there are a lot of social issues at that age - but I wondered if that's all they had to do at home. Just move away and someone else will get it.

Or how about the toddler that makes a HUGE mess - intentionally, out of anger or frustration - and then the mom puts him in time-out. Then SHE'S the one that cleans it up! That kid gets off scott-free! Not a bad system: I make a mess, I get a break and Mom cleans it up.

Nope. Not this mom.

I was determined to teach my boys the best way to respond when they make a mess. Granted, the majority of messes they make are accidental. They're still babies! They're 18 months old and not as coordinated as they like to think they are. They misjudge the depth of water in the cup and spill. They miss their mouth and it drips all of the way down their shirt. They tried to get that spoon of Cheerios and milk into their little mouths but it slipped on its way. They're trying. They really are. We cannot punish them for things they do on accident. That's just wrong. This is all developmental - they're get it eventually, but in the mean time, they will continue to get it wrong. We can't hurry that process. But we CAN teach them how to respond when they make a mistake.

And let me tell you, the answer is NOT running away and letting Mom clean up the mess. With two boys and the hope of more in the future, I just won't do it. I want them to know what it means to be personally responsible for their messes.

So here's what I've been trying to do. For the past six months (starting when they were about a year old,) we started having them clean up their toys at the end of the night. It was part of our night-time routine. Andy and I would shuffle all of their toys toward the toy bin, then we would give them one toy at a time and ask them to put it in the bin. When they complied, we praised them up and down. We did this with our bath toys as well. "Wow, what a good helper you are! You just put the toy in the bin!" The boys would be so proud and would be eager to show us how well they could do it.

After a time, we didn't have to do as much shuffling and handing them each toy. Now, we say, "Alright, let's put our toys in the bin! It's time to clean up!" and they understand the concept enough to grab a few toys and put them away.

Now, let me encourage you. They say we should expect a 60% accuracy at this age. That's just a little more than half the time. So when the boys are being too difficult, I let it go. It's not that big of a deal. I do what I can with what I have. It's not worth a power struggle every time. I just want them to understand the concept.

But this is transferring to other parts of our day. If they spill some Cheerios onto the table (because they were dumping their bowl when they shouldn't have been,) I calmly say, "Uh oh. Let's put the Cheerios back in the bowl." And they usually will do just that. When they used to do this, I would panic and let a fast experated "Uhhhhhhh!! Oh, no!!!" I found that the boys would smear the mess with their hands in a panic. This, obviously, created three times the initial mess. So what I've been trying to do is stay calm. Acknowledge the spill. And then teach them how to react appropriately.

I always have wipes handy, so when something spills (because it usually is an accident - c'mon, they're 18 months old!) I give them a wipe and ask them to clean the table. And do you know what? They love it. It's a fun activity for them! I don't mind when I see the boys with a clean tissue or a clean wipe, ready to rip it into shreds. I let them. That's 15 minutes of pure quiet for me and entertainment for them! Talk about cause and effect! But when they're done, they know what it means when mommy says, "Jonathan, can you put those pieces into the bowl?" He grabs the bowl and begins his routine of putting them IN the bowl, dumping it and retrieving them all and putting them back inside. It's a game. (In all honesty, this activity usually lasts for about 3-4 rounds and finishes with mommy picking up all of the pieces. But hey, he got the concept! We just have to work on when he's finished with the cycle ;)

Jonathan had the time of his life ripping up the papertowel and throwing them around the kitchen yesterday. 

But when it was time to clean up, I gave him a bowl and he entered the next part of the activity: cleaning it up. (Note: this process usually works easier and for longer periods of time with Jonathan than Benjamin ;) I'm thinking it has a lot to do with temperment and personality.

I've already seen hints of power struggles, battles of will and clashes of determination. Ben has a few tantrums every day (and 90% of them are when I won't let him touch the computer keyboard, have my cell phone or play with my camera!) I don't want to frustrate my boys into feeling like they have no control over their world. There are so many things that ARE out of their control... where we go, when we leave, what they're allowed to touch, getting their diaper changed... so I try and give them areas that really aren't a big deal so they can have a certain amount of power and control.

Having kids is a lot of work. Diapers, making meals, and coming up with fun activities while also trying to keep our house in order? Not easy. So I think it makes perfect sense to help teach my boys where they can help. After all, they're usually the ones who messed it up in the first place! :) We're a work in progress. But I believe this is a step in the right direction (if not just for my own sanity!)