Feeling Like a Fraud

We hosted a small dinner party last night with Andy's aunt and uncle. We hadn't seem them and two of their three grown children in a while, so it was nice to catch up. They were amazed at how much bigger the boys were and how much they are developing. "You're doing such a great job with those boys," she said. Immediately, a feeling of guilt swept over me like a flood. Oh, if she only knew.

I felt like a kid getting credit for his homework project when he knew his mom did it all (and as a former public school teacher, you can guarantee that I never saw that! ;) Like I was taking credit for something I didn't deserve. A fraud.

The past few weeks have been extremely difficult it in our house. Mostly the naptimes and bedtimes. For whatever reason, Jack is struggling to go down on his own, stay there on his own and come out only when it's time. And for a routine that has worked for us for over a year, this has been extremely frustrating. In an effort to come to a solution, we decided that perhaps it was time to give the boys their real beds. We've heard a lot of stories where this was successful so we prayed it would be the same for us. Having our day begin at 4am because we can't get back to sleep after fighting with Jack for an hour just didn't seem like a positive solution. So we tried to build up the excitement and transferred them to their new beds on Saturday.

They loved them. They were so proud of their new blankets, their new beds and their new room. But later that night, we started to wonder if it was just too many new things at once. After another day, we were almost positive of it. Since our bedrooms are so small, we decided to set up the boys' new room into where we had planned on situating the baby. Not only would it allow us some time to keep their cribs set up in their 'old' room, but the second room only had one window and one doorway, as opposed to the two windows and two doors (including a closet) in the other. The second room gave us more options on how we wanted to set up the beds. Our plan was to use their cribs as a threat; if they got out of their beds, they would have to go back to their cribs.

One problem. Jack wanted to go back into his crib. Huh? This wasn't how it was supposed to happen!

Perhaps the most frustrating part of it all is how well Benjamin seems to have transitioned. I swear, that boy could fall asleep in a tornado. He's slept through Jack's screams, our late-night talks (or should I say ANDY'S late night talks - he's been doing the late night shift for almost two weeks!) as well as the move into a big boy bed. Ben was following the rules, was falling asleep quickly and stayed in bed until I came to get them. Why wasn't Jack? I thought they were identical twins, for crying outloud!

This morning, Andy had his second night of five hours or less and I had no idea what else we were supposed to do. So for naps, I decided to ask the boys if they wanted to sleep in their cribs. They both said yes. Okaaaaaaay. They both went in relatively well and although they wanted me to sit on a chair with them, they both fell asleep within a half-hour. We'll still keep the beds set up, but it appears that I encouraged the switch a little too soon.

Hence, that feeling of guilt. How can I receive praise for what I'm doing when I feel like I'm not doing anything right? Confession: I am a mom and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Can I get an amen?

But here's the truth. I don't have to know absolutely everything. Right? Sometimes we need to struggle through something and make a million and one mistakes in order to find out what the best solution is for our family. Right? Sometimes we'll do well and other time we will fail. Right? So perhaps I should stop being so hard on myself and begin to simply accept where I am and what I'm trying to do. Right?

So, thanks for the compliment. I know I'm probably doing a million things wrong, but those two smiles in there tell me I'm doing at least a few things right. I think ;)