Why I've Been Silent

There is a reason for my silence lately. Umm, for the past two months. First of all, I've been holding a secret I just couldn't spill. And you know how it is, holding a secret. If someone tells you NOT to think about something, that's all you can think about. So I definitely couldn't blog. And second, I've been too exhausted to make time to write. Well, that, and throwing up and all.

You guessed it: I'm pregnant!

Ben and Jack are going to be big brothers!

We're thirteen weeks today, which puts Baby #3's arrival date at about April 5th. We are THRILLED! The Lord seems to have worked out the timing perfectly... the baby should arrive about a month before the boys turn three years old and we now have an additional bedroom (in our first floor apartment) in order to accomodate our new little one. And yes, please notice that I said ONE. I'm only growing one baby this time. Kinda new for me. But it's been going great so far!

Well, actually, that's a lie. It seems as if carrying one baby is more effort for my body than when it was carrying two. Or perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I'm already caring for two toddlers. Or perhaps it was because I stopped teaching after 20 weeks to stay home and care for my growing belly... naps whenever I wanted, that sort of thing. Or perhaps it's all of those things. They say every pregnancy is different and man, are they right! I was never sick with the boys. I gained weight on a steady scale, never had heartburn and never got swollen ankles. This time around, every little smell makes me gag and I've had to use a plastic bag when I'm driving to throw up from the awkward smell of exhaust in the truck ahead of me... more than once. My boys watched me hunch over the toilet on multiple occasions and tried to comfort me by saying, "Hi mom," over and over. Which, of course, just made me cry. Not that I've been extra emotional anyway. I lost more than ten pounds in the first ten weeks. Totally not like me! I ate what I could, but it is so difficult to eat when NOTHING appeals to you. Nothing. I forced myself to eat saltines so often that after a week, even the thought of them made me gag. Eventually, my OB changed my prenatal vitamins (I guess fish oil, when present in vitamins, helps the baby's brain development but is hard on your tummy - I switched to one with vegetable oil) and made a few other suggestions to make me more comfortable. One of her suggestions was to skip the saltines and eat Wheat Thins (a whole wheat) with cheese (a protein). Yogurt and granola. Plain Cheerios and milk. Those three foods have been a staple in my diet lately. Well, that and milkshakes and French fries, which always appeal to me. But raw meat? No, thanks. I couldn't stand the sight of raw meat much less the smell of it cooking. Andy cooked dinners outside on the grill and we've gone out for dinner more times than our entire dating life. We seriously could be food/dining critics with our extensive experience now.

But when I was about eleven and a half weeks along, I started feeling better. I gagged less times during the day and much of my food was staying down. I started to feel like I had more energy and I actually checked my email and Facebook before going down for my daily nap. It's kinda nice. I definitely still feel pregnant, but the fact that I can function on a more human level makes me feel... well... more human!!

In the meantime, I'm trying not to feel guilty about the extensive hours my boys logged in front of the television during the first eleven weeks. Especially since I never had the television on before the boys were two. Let's just say I made up for lost time.

I used to be so proud of my positive pregnancy experience with the boys when I talked to other moms. They'd tell me how sick they were, how difficult it was to get off the couch and how uncomfortable they were from beginning to end. "Oh, I was never sick," I'd admit, proudly. As if I had something to do with how my body responded to the aliens that were growing inside of me. Well, I've since thrown all that out the window. Every experience is different. Every mother is different. Every child is different. And there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about finding yourself in one category or another. That fact has offered me much humility and grace.

But here's the silver lining. In about seven months from now, the Lord will use all of these changes in my body to give us the fifth member of our family. Our third miracle. And that, my friends, is worth it. What an honor, for God to involve ME in the process!

Now please excuse me. I'm going to lay down while my boys still have an hour or so left in their nap. Baby Sauer needs to grow!